Red and swollen,
Flinching, as the pain spreads throughout.
Then it was blue,
I grit my teeth and hold my breath.
It turned into a rainbow,
Into a new array of demise;
Then it was sunshine
Blinding, beautiful, painful.
Now it blooms of lavender flowers
Getting closer to the beginning,
It feels like nothing
And yet its memory exists.
Good day!
To start off, I would like to ask you, how can you tell that you are in love? truthfully up until this day I fail to describe it. But, you see, it lies entirely in your brain, it realeases all these hormones and signals towards your body. Usually you have little to no control over it. People are built differently, as there are billions of people in the world love too can be defined in billions of ways. Confining it to what a few people say is cruel.
Religion and society says that 2 people of the same gender CANNOT fall in love with each other, mainly because it was stated that only man and woman were made and that they were made for each other. If it was never meant to exist then why does it still prevail? Being queer has been around for ages, from the great roman empire to 2017 Philippines. People say that it is a sin, then why does it equate to the happiness of many. Don’t say that it’s wrong, because saying so would indicate that millions of people throughout history have merely been living a mistake. They are not. Gay people have the same bodily functions that straight people have, they have the same reactions to love as the next guy. The only difference is that they chose to love someone that has the same set of chromosomes as they have.
Religion says thats we should love and have peace and yet when we aim for it, it is counted as invalid because of the “guidelines” that they have proposed. Since when has there been only one way to be happy, to love or to have peace? The two people, that the bible says were the beginning, created hundreds of their own children. Those people then proliferated into more and more. Over time, the way people love and who they can love changed. Who are we to dictate that love may only be between man and woman? God created everyone right? Then saying s/he is broken is an offence to Him is it not? If it’s such a sin then how come it makes so many happy. “Then they are evil”, “They are being fooled by demons”, “They are worse than animals. Would you be able to say that to a couple who are kind enough to share to charities, who helps others and are good willed? To educated people who saves lives? To your teachers, doctors, lawyers?
Society says that man and woman have specific roles in the world, man must work while woman must take care of children. Is that still even applicable in this day and age? Today both man and woman work, and both can take care of children. Why must we confine specific roles to a gender when human beings were made to be fluid and adaptable enough to partake in any role possible. Women are in the military, men do ballet. Men wear make up (and look fierce af), women wear pants(and slay). The time that only one gender can do one thing is over because we grow. When a woman loves another woman that does not mean that one has to change and take the role of the man. No, they are equal; its the same when a man and woman are in love. A woman can be both masculine and strong as a man while a man can be emotional and feminine like a woman. Why must the stigma that people are supposed to act based on their gender exist?
Why does the genitalia of the person you love have to matter? Love, is not confined to sexual activities nor is it limited to the possibility of reproduction. Really, when you think about the number of people inhabiting the earth or the number of children waiting to be adopted, reproduction isnt really that important right now. How can you be disgusted by something so trivial as what biological gender someone else loves is? Why does what a book/elder people say matter more than the legitimate happiness of someone?
Won’t you extend your hand, then ask me whats wrong? Won’t you be the one to come to me when you notice Im growing a bit distant? Will you hold me close then just say sorry? Can’t you make this pain go away, after all, you’re the one that caused it. You told me you’d fix me, you promised me that. But, everytime that something’s wrong you just move away and leave me all alone. Won’t you stay close even if I move farther, won’t you hold my hand and never let me go.
Maybe Im just too much. Too much even for you. Too much that you won’t stick by me. Too much that you just let me go. Too much that you regret me. Too much that I despise myself.
I keep on twisting and turning
Even though I’m awake
Even though it’s sunny outside
Even though I smile.
All these what if’s filling my head
With nothing else but dread
Making me feel small
Like I’m nothing at all.
Im sorry,
My mind keeps on creating fears
That i desperately try to supress,
But just keeps on overwhelming me.
I know it’s bothersome
Having someone like me
Needing assurance
Needing patience.
I try, really I do
But im scraping my insides and
Wrecking my head,
Just for you.
*note: sorry I accidentally wrote the word “my” twice.
Here I thought that of all the deceptive people,
I could trust you.
I should have taken your actions as a sign.
That you’d do the same to me as well.
And here I thought that im your friend,
Because I gave you my trust
And i was a fool to think that youd give me yours.
I was in the wrong.
Not because of what i did,
We were both wrong in that matter.
Lets be honest, we were shit wrong.
But I thought we could move past it anyway.
I thought that you would think about it,
Like you said you always do.
But you kept it bottled up
And now you blame me for it.
I thought youd forgive, because thats what I did too.
I thought that youd move on, like you said you would.
I know people dont like me.
I didn’t think that included you.
I didnt think id have to stay away
From the people I called my friends.
I know people have bad things to say about me.
I know I’m far from a great person.
But to think that of all the people who would hurt me.
Here I thought I’d be happy with you,
Turns out youd just hurt me,
because I thought you were my friend,
Because i gave value to your presence.
I dont hate you, not at all.
I just dont think I can look past your hidden thoughts of me.
I can get that we have differing views
But can you say that only one is right and wrong?
Im not sorry, not one bit.
I dont even know if you value me enough to get hurt
Or if in your pretty little head,
I’ve been deceptive and despicable even before.
Then again I wont blame you,
Because I showed you who I was
And you just didnt see it.
Atleast now you dont have to.
Not my jokes or my words nor all the things you hate about me
And I dont have to be accused
Of backstabbing and hurting you
Of turning on your trust, even thought I gave you mine.
Here I thought I had friends.
Here I thought people would appreciate me.
Im not saying people shoutld.
I just thought they might eventually.
You out shine each and every one of them,
Their grandeur is nothing to your beauty.
Your laughter dims their lights a hundred fold.
So darling dont you falter, not once.
Your heartbeat lets the universe flow.
Your heart drives the demons back,
In fear of your beauty, in fear of your soul.
Listen to me and stand strong, because you are.
Am I the only one that actually believes that people change? That your words and actions, all the assurance and soothing poetry you create actually helps? And for a while, it does. For a short while your efforts bud, but then again it also falters and nothing can be done about that.
During the start you keep all these walls, these layers, all these defenses high and mighty, but after sometime you find someone who actually makes you feel vulnerable, someone that makes you feel all squishy and mushy and happy. You are filled with joy and such bliss, but, since you are human you also feel pain, pain and sadness. You ask and ask for help and at some point you just stop asking and just cry and cry. Then that person makes you bring back the walls because no one wants such a burden, no one wants your sorrow, no one wants your tears, your anger. All anyone ever cares about is your joy all the great things about you. Faults? down-sides? no one gives a shit. You just thought they did.
War wages above the ground as refugees hide under shelters, dark and damp and huddled together in the tiny space. All you can hear are sobbing, hushed murmurs filled with worry and fear and of course, doubt . Everyone can feel the tremors above, the echoes of blasting guns and the thud of footsteps as enemies make their way down the streets filled with fallen brethren. Their fear, ever-growing, lingers in the air ,like shadows that bear the weight of boulders. Sobs began to fill the room as the panick came to grasp every persons mind. As the footsteps grew closer the people became quieter and soon silence dominated the shelter. All held their breaths as the clatter and rustle of boots came so close that it felt like the soldiers were inside.
Soon the footsteps hushed down till nothing can be heard anymore. Everyone still held their breaths and most shook in fear and panic. Their faces wrinkled up and their eyes filled with tears. “The worst has gone.” whispered an elderly man, in an attempt to lift up their spirits. They were all instructed to wait there until an ally soldier lets them out.
As the time went on people got more and more worried. All the terrible thoughts swam through their heads. People began questioning the soldiers and if they were ever going to get out or if they have already lost. “You all ask quite horrible questions, don’t you?” announced a strange girl who wore quite a relaxed expression. “How can you say such a thing, when enemy soldiers walk our streets and our men lay lifeless.”answered a woman who was adorned with beautiful jewelry. “Oh, I’m completely utterly scared, really, just hopeful I suppose.” said the girl.
As the clock ticked people went quiet and some settled to sleep. Their thirst and hunger grew while supplies were but few. More and more people were forcing themselves to sleep as the children begged for food. As the elders assured the children of food and safety, music started to play.
A gentle lullaby floated within the room like a cloud within a dream. The elderly started dozing off as the children calmed down and started to yawn. The beautiful music floated around the room and settled on their ears like the fresh summer breeze. Then they all dozed off, with a bang.
I seem to always have this little rock on my chest, that reminds me of my fears, it grows sometimes and makes it hard to breath. While, other times it makes my chest hurt and go up my throat,and makes it feel like I might choke. A lot of times, it triples in weight and makes me cry a little bit. I really do think i should get it checked.
But, then again there is also these thingies on my head, that never seems to stop with the terrible things they shout, “fat”,”useless”, “failure”, “ugly” and so on and on and on. I’ve never heard them say anything nice that it’s a bit worrisome. Sad thing is I sometimes get caught up in their words that I forget the truth. Really, they are too loud that they drown out my thoughts too much, making me highly unmotivated and unproductive.
Such heavy things upon me that its hard to throw them off. So hard, yes, so very difficult, but not impossible. They bear so much weight but they do not crush me. They make such loud sounds but they shan’t silence me. I am not a them, nor am I the tears I shed , well I think I am not so.
Do you exist? Would I be believing in an omnipotent/omnipresent being or the words of fools that hope and hope and justifies with no facts? Im afraid of being let down, Im afraid of putting faith in something/ someone, because I want something or Im stuggling; it just might result in more failures and Im just too tired. Im afraid that when I open my arms, its too late, that I will be denied. I am not great nor am I strong or fierce or truly magnificent; I am person that can draw, laugh and love.
“I”, I have used “I” so many times that I know I am selfish and narcissistic. I bear so many faults that finding a single silver lining to me is more difficult than finding an absolute cure for HIV / AIDS. “The child of prophecies” is not a child that withholds special qualities or immense capabilities, but one that holds an Imagination that flows; A child that tells stories. A poet that manipulates others emotions and thoughts with flowery words and a silver tongue.
What is there to save in a person that is merely a shell that moves to consume, consume the joy and love of a man that does his absolute best to make her smile. I dont know about you or your existence, but what I do know is that Im not worth it.
Because I am worth more…
